30 Before 30: 3/30

It's been about a month since I started my 30 Before 30 and I making progress! Currently, I'm 10% done with my list, but have started some long-term projects and have scheduled other take place. I'm really excited to continue doing this and I hope to have them all completed by January 7, 2018 when I turn 30!

Completed:

1. Travel to a new continent: Back in August and September, I traveled to Australia! It has been on my list of places to go and the opportunity presented itself. I had such a great time there. I was able to explore Sydney and Melbourne, drive the Great Ocean Road, camp in the Outback, see Uluru-Kata Tjuta-King's Canyon, hike in the Blue Mountains, and snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef. Those were the major adventure highlights, but there were also some major highlights from everyday life. I got to see a whole bunch of marsupials and pet a kangaroo and koala, I met some great new mates, started crushing on an Aussie boy who inspired me to do a 30 before 30 list, learned to surf, ate delicious bread, lamb, and Asian food, and so much more! This trip was wonderful and I hope to go back there someday to catch up with my mates and experience its beauty once again.
2. Go to dinner prepared at a chef's table: About a week ago, I went with my best friend Kevin to Eureka at Kava to have a 9 course dinner plus wine pairings prepared by the Chef Flynn McGarry. He is an amazing teenager! At age 11, he started hosting fine dining dinner parties at his house and then has gone from there. At age 16, he started a pop-up restaurant that typically travels between NYC and LA. I was disappointed that I didn't go last year, but so happy that I was able to go this year. He seriously knows how to cook! His courses were basically the best prepared foods that I have ever had. Everything left me wanting more and he seamlessly paired each course with the next. It was very vegetable heavy, which I loved, but also had delicious cuts of meat, like pork neck! The wine pairs and desserts were divine. I seriously could not get enough of it! It was also great to talk and interact with Flynn. We were able to hear his inspiration behind each dish and how he developed his dishes. Some of the the inspirations were so simple, whereas others were so complex. I can't wait to go to my next tasting menu and chef's table fine dining experience!
3. Reconnect with an old friend: Last week I had the opportunity to reconnect with not just one, but two old friends! It was a double whammy! Sarah and Brandon (from college) were in NYC and we decided to meet up. We have remained in contact off and on over the years, but lately we haven't been talking. Recently, we started reconnecting over social media and they told me that they were coming to the city and would love to see me. I jumped at the chance to see them! I was so excited to reconnect with them. We went to brunch and then walked around the city until it was time for them to go to their Broadway show. I couldn't believe how much I missed them and how it felt like years haven't passed. This is a sign of true friends. I wish that I would have been able to spend more time with them while they were here, but I know that we will remain in better contact now. I hope to see them when I travel to DC and when they come up to NYC.

In Progress:

1. Go to Iceland to see the northern lights: January 5th-9th
2. Go beach camping: I need to buy the permit soon, but have it planned for June
3. Go to a concert of one of my favorite artists: January 28th
4. Finish Duolingo Spanish and speak Spanish more fluently: Working on this most days
5. Run a half marathon: Registered for the lottery and will find out in December if I can race in March
6. Regularly volunteer with NY Cares: I've done my first volunteer session with them
7. Obtain a PhD and publish a first author paper: Working on my manuscript now and will hopefully defend in March/April
8. Put away $35,000 in retirement/investments: Slowly chipping away at this, but will put a big chunk away in January when I add the maximum amount to my Roth IRA
9. Read 12 novels: I finished a book a couple weeks ago, but I can't remember the name (will update this later) and I'm currently reading Man's Search for Meaning.
10. Cook 25 recipes from Molly on the Range: Reading through the entire cookbook and deciding which recipes to make
11. Try to become a Freemason: I sent an email, but never received a response. I will try again in January.

List:

1. Go to Iceland to see the northern lights
2. Travel to a new continent (Australia) √
3. Travel to Yosemite/Patagonia
4. Travel to a US city that I've never been to (Philly/Chicago)
5. Go beach camping (June)
6. Go on a road trip
7. Go skydiving
8. Go deep sea fishing
9. Go to a dinner prepared at a chef's table √
10. Go to a concert of one of my favorite artists
11. Circumnavigate Manhattan by foot/bike
12. Get a tattoo
13. Call in sick from work and go on an adventure instead
14. Take a cooking class from League of Kitchens
15. Take a dancing class
16. Finish Duolingo Spanish and speak Spanish more fluently
17. Run a half marathon
18. Regularly volunteer with NY Cares
19. Work in the student run clinic 10 times
20. Start a new craft/hobby (bouldering?)
21. Send in a Post Secret
22. Obtain a PhD and publish a first author paper
23. Host 4 dinner parties with one of them being a fundraiser
24. Put away $35,000 in retirement/investments
25. Read 12 novels
26. Cook 25 recipes from Molly on the Range
27. Reconnect with an old friend √
28. Visit a good friend in another city
29. Speak with grandparents about their childhood
30. Try to become a Freemason

5 Minute Life Check: November

I think… that I'm ready to take my life to the next level

I wonder… when my thesis committee meeting will be

I want… to escape and travel the world

I dream… of running away to Australia and falling in love

I speak… about diet and exercise and how both can be life changing

I act… in ways that will make me a good friend

I honor… my heritage by sticking with many of the morals and values that have been taught to me

I cry… at times because I am depressed and sad

I see… the light at the end of the tunnel of my PhD

I feel… like I need to be closer to my family, in particular my grandparents

I manage… to repair relationships that I let go for various reasons and make them better than before

I support… Hillary Clinton and hopes she wins the election

I seek… to become a Freemason

I find… that it's easier to not give a fuck

I teach… those around me through my actions

I learn… from those around me by observing what they do

I am… wanting to not be in a relationship for a long time because I need to gain strength and learn to be ok with being alone again.

I want… to build a life where I am happy and strong

I love… food and exploring the wonders of it

30 Before 30

A boy I met in Australia, whom I am quite smitten with, inspired me to make a list of 30 things to do before I am 30. He was doing this, but didn't make his 30. I have a little over a year to accomplish all of these things, but I'm going to try my best. I think it will be a way to push myself to live life to the fullest and help me develop as a human being. I'm excited to see what happens and who I become!

Here is my list:

1. Go to Iceland to see the northern lights (January 5th-9th)
2. Travel to a new continent (Australia) √
3. Travel to Yosemite/Patagonia
4. Travel to a US city that I've never been to (Philly/Chicago)
5. Go beach camping (June)
6. Go on a road trip
7. Go skydiving
8. Go deep sea fishing
9. Go to a dinner prepared at a chef's table (November 5th)
10. Go to a concert of one of my favorite artists
11. Circumnavigate Manhattan by foot/bike
12. Get a tattoo
13. Call in sick from work and go on an adventure instead
14. Take a cooking class from League of Kitchens
15. Take a dancing class
16. Finish Duolingo Spanish and speak Spanish more fluently
17. Run a half marathon (March)
18. Regularly volunteer with NY Cares
19. Work in the student run clinic 10 times
20. Start a new craft/hobby (bouldering?)
21. Send in a Post Secret
22. Obtain a PhD and publish a first author paper (March/April)
23. Host 4 dinner parties with one of them being a fundraiser
24. Put away $35,000 in retirement/investments
25. Read the following novels... (need to make this list, recs?)
26. Cook 25 recipes from Molly on the Range
27. Reconnect with an old friend
28. Visit a good friend in another city
29. Speak with grandparents about their childhood
30. Become a Freemason (sent my first email!)

5 Minute Life Check: October

I think… about loss

I wonder… about my future family and what it looks like

I want… to work hard and enjoy myself this month

I dream… of running away to Australia

I speak… with old friends

I act… to build a community around me

I honor… my father and all the hard work he has done

I cry… because my life has changed a lot and is changing quickly

I see… the light at the end of the tunnel

I feel… light and free

I manage… my emotions and do what I want to do

I support… Kevin and his struggles in third year

I seek… to join the Freemasons

I find… the world around me beautiful

I teach… young scientists immunology

I learn… to be more patient and loving

I am… empathetic

I reconnect… with an old boyfriend

I love… traveling and will be doing so a lot coming up

Filling the Hole in my Soul

For most of the summer, I felt like there was a part of me that was missing. I had an emptiness inside of me that I had never felt before. The emptiness was caused by the loss of JP. I gave JP more of my heart and soul than I have any other boyfriend in the past, and he took it and ran away. I don't blame him for doing that--it just left me empty and lost. The whole summer I was in a fog. I was struggling to find my footing and to find myself again. I knew what makes me happy, and I would do those things; but those things were never enough. I always had a part of me that was missing, something that I couldn't fill.

I tried to fill it with memories of JP and I, friends, family, exercise, baking, cooking, reading, and so much more. Nothing would fill it or it would fill me for a short time and then I'd be empty soon after. I didn't know how to approach my loss. I decided to let myself grieve. I grieved for JP. I grieved for the loss of part of my heart and soul. I grieved for the future with JP. I grieved for losing the one I loved. I grieved for the good memories. I grieved for the bad memories. I grieved for everything.

Soon the cracks started to fill in. I slowly started to become more happy, but again it wasn't lasting forever--it would eventually go away. Grieving and feeling all of the emotions was helping. I took this poem by Nayyirah Waheed to heart:

grieve. so that you can be free to feel something else.

By grieving, I started to become free. I started to understand my hurt, pain, sadness, wrongness, depression, and feelings of abandonment and loss. I understood why I felt all of these feelings. I understood the root cause of these feelings. I came to understand more about myself.

Australia came and the grieving stopped. It was time to be happy and fill in the cracks. I met some wonderful people who became my friends, and they pushed me to heal. They allowed me to start healing through bonding with them. They saw me for me and not for the loss of my love, heart, and soul. They liked me for me. I came to realize that I am perfectly fine the way that I am. I don't need to change drastically for anybody and I am perfectly fine being on my own (I've always known this but it's hard remembering that when you come out of a relationship). I woke up and saw myself for who I really am and decided to let my light so shine and not hide myself under a bushel (thank you scriptures LOL).

I know that I am a good person who strives to be the best that I can be for myself, my friends, my family, my loved ones, my patients, and everyone who counts on me. There is no point in hiding myself and moping anymore. I've felt all of the emotions and have grown tremendously. I have learned a lot. I am strong. I am smart. I am humble. I am flawed. I am empathetic. I am fun. I am thoughtful. I am giving. I am so much more. These things make me the man that I am. With seeing these attributes, I've built a foundation for my heart and soul to heal, which it has already done a lot of. One day, I'll be whole again...

The Hardest Part

The end.

Looking back

Struggling forward

Darkness.

Daybreak.

Stirring movement

Bringing change

The start,

the hardest part.

"the hardest part" by me

I have been contemplating whether or not I should share this poem. I was thinking about posting it on Instagram without going to Facebook, but that didn't appeal to me. It is more private and for me than public. This blog is public, but it feels private because a lot of people don't read it, which is why I'm sharing it with you all. 

I wrote this poem in the outback. It describes my feelings of the past couple of months and the transformation that has taken place in me over my vacation in Australia, especially during my time in the outback. I was in a dark place off and on and really struggling to move past my feelings and emotions. Most days, work was a struggle and I didn't want to be there or do any work. I would avoid doing what I had to do and essentially sabotage myself and my goals by not doing any work. Luckily it hasn't put me too far behind. Then there were times that I would avoid doing the things that I loved and seeing the people I loved. I was depressed for most of the summer and have actually been fairly depressed this whole year. My relationship with JP really affected me in many ways that I am still trying to fully comprehend, but I feel that I can definitely say that I lost someone who I imagined spending the rest of my life with. That loss is extremely difficult and hard to move past.

I've come to realize that the hardest part of ending is starting again. It's easy to remain looking at the past and have wishful thinking. I was doing this all summer. I would constantly think about JP. He was on my mind every day and multiple times a day. I would think about him when I woke up, throughout the day, and before I went to bed. I had so much wishful thinking, but it was naive and stupid. I could have let this consume me and continue this thinking, but luckily I didn't. I've realized that it's extremely difficult to not let the past hold you back and move forward. It's just so easy to stay in that mode and not move on. It's like being stuck in the valley of Mount Everest and you have to climb to the top of Mount Everest to get to where you want to go next--it's daunting, but in the end, it's worth it! 

It's worth moving on to something new and better. It's worth it to start new goals and live your life to the fullest. It's worth it to not hide yourself in your own emotions. It's worth it to explore the world and make connections. Living life is worth it. Even though it daunting to move on and stop the wishful thinking, it something that must be done.

I finally feel like I'm at the start of something and great. After my relationship ended, I was caught in the muck of my emotions and feelings. Now, I am rejuvenated and ready to move forward. I'm starting to take small steps to climb Mount Everest and get to the beautiful view on top of it and what lies beyond the mountain. It's time to reignite my passion for life in everything that I do, which Australia has helped jump start.

Here's to a better future with much beauty in it!

5 Minute Life Check: September

I think… that I’m good enough

I wonder… why JP messaged me yesterday

I want… to continue my happy streak

I dream… of P in Australia

I speak… about my research and finishing my thesis

I act… with kindness and understanding towards others

I honor… myself by staying true to my values

I cry… for the passing of my friend

I see… the worth of myself and others around me

I feel… that I can do more to make this world a better place

I manage… to stay afloat while following my passions

I support… C because she is going through a difficult time

I seek… to build a strong, lasting community around me

I find… that people are more willing to be open when I am open and flawed

I teach… ACT to a boy who needs to believe in himself as much as I believe in him

I learn… to be more spontaneous

I am… a human who is flawed, yet beautiful with all of those flaws

I sing… because words cannot always express my emotions or contain my happiness

I love… my life