Balance

I keep saying that I'm going to start writing again, but I feel like this time it is going to stick. When I was first coming out, I wrote a lot and it helped me process what I was feeling. I'm looking to do the same now. I have noticed that I'm starting to struggle with living in NYC. It throws me off balance and brings out the best and worst in me. I've always known that I need to escape the city, but now it is becoming more and more necessary. Every weekend, I want to get out. I want need to be in nature.

I learned this lesson on my recent escape from NYC to Switzerland. Switzerland was one of the most gorgeous places I have ever visited. There were mountains, streams, lakes, waterfalls, rolling hills, fields of flowers, delectable food, lovely people, and so much more. I spent four of my days hiking in the Swiss Alps. One day, I sat down next to a waterfall and contemplated and reflected on my life. The next day, it was on top of a mountain. Another day, it was on a cliff side. The last day was swimming in a glacial lake. I discovered that I love and hate NYC. This is nothing new to me, but I didn't realize it was so polarized now. There used to be areas of grey, but now those grey areas are starting to turn into black and white. I don't want this to happen and I'm trying to figure out how to turn those areas into grey again and be fully happy living in this city again--I have at least 4 more years here.

I also learned that I need to be in nature or near a lot of nature to have the best balance. My elements are water and earth. Those things bring me the most happiness and connect me the most with nature and God. Switzerland was perfect for this connection. I was so at peace and so joyous during this time. I was able to think about my worries, life, goals, morals, values, beliefs, etc. with a clear and open mind. But once I returned to NYC, I lost sight of some of those insights. I'm desperately trying to maintain those insights and find balance.

These are a some tasks that I'm working on to maintain my balance and keep insight flowing:

1. Stick with swimming on the master's swim team (I have practice tonight)
2. Spend less time on social media and the Internet
3. Leave the city for nature at least once a month
4. Read more
5. Wake up earlier to have "me" time with no interruptions
6. Consider going to church again
7. Focus on what's most important in my life... family, friends, and loved ones

I hope that things will fall into place and my life will become balanced again.

It's Time to Write Again

I've decided that I need an outlet to my thoughts and feelings. I have great friends and family who I can talk to, but I find something missing when I talk to them. I remember how writing was so therapeutic when I was coming out and going to college. It allowed me to take time out of my busy life and reflect on who I am and what I am becoming. I miss the introspection that occurred when I was writing and I want it back in my life.

Here is another attempt to start blogging again. This is not going to be a diary of my adventures (there might be some of that) but rather this blog is going to be my raw emotions of living in NYC, working my way through an MD/PhD program, my struggles with school, dating, and life, and whatever chances my fancy. Since this going to be raw, there might be some topics that you will not want to read or know about me. I'm forewarning you that you will read some things that will probably cause you to think differently of me (mother and anyone else, this is your only warning).

I'm looking forward for this adventure in blogging and I'll try to update this weekly.

Loves!

Returning to Zion

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to get out of my hometown. For twenty-two years, I had never been away for longer than two weeks, and I hated that. Feelings of loathing, boredom, being trapped, and much more were constantly upon me. I couldn't help thinking that I was better than my hometown and that I could do better than the small town I lived in. It took me moving far away from home for a couple of years to realize that I actually love my hometown and the people who call it home.

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with a close friend. As I was driving to meet her, I drove past my elementary, middle, and high schools, the swimming pool, my university, and many restaurants and businesses that I used to frequent. Very few changes have been made, but you could still see a constant change to make a better, stronger community. It was fun to see my old stomping grounds and memories came flooding back to me. Most of them were happy memories, and some of them were not so happy memories. I remembered when my swimmers won multiple regional and state championships, my own swimming days where I trained many hours each day, walking up to seminary, my "freshmen fan club," falling in love with the human body in Mrs. A's class, my first crush, all the times I went sledding, the places I would go when I was sad and needed to cry, and some serious conversations I had with close friends. Memory after memory came back to me during my drive, and I am grateful that I have so many good memories from growing up.

When I arrived at the restaurant and saw my friend, I couldn't believe how much I missed her. It was so good to see her, catch up on our lives, and reminisce about swimming, friends, and shared experiences. During our lunch and my drive to and from the restaurant, I realized that I do love and miss my hometown. I'm grateful that I grew up in a place where I could be a kid and a place that allowed for a relatively easy transition into adulthood. My hometown helped shape me into the man that I am today through all of the good and bad experiences that I have had, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

To Gun or Not to Gun?

There is a certain type of person in medical school called gunners. They are an interesting group. It is full of overachievers who have to know everything and get a 100% on every test. Their natural habitat is in the library with their nose in a physiology book and going to every class. They very rarely leave campus and they never go out with friends. There is just too much to study and learn! Most medical students look down on gunners because they make everyone look bad, but secretly most students want to have as much knowledge as the gunners. There is no other medical student like the gunner.

I have never been labelled as one of the types of medical students you commonly see. The closest that I have come to is the prankster. It is true that I like to joke around and play practical jokes on people, but being the medical school prankster is more than that and I don't think I fit the bill. That leaves me with a personality that doesn't match up with the types of medical students, which I am completely fine with; I don't like falling into stereotypes.

You might ask, "why is he even talking about this then?" Well, that is a very good question. Recently, I have been labelled as a gunner. At first, I had a gut reaction of denying it and not wanting to be a gunner. I'm a prankster, remember? I can't be a gunner! Anything but a gunner! After yesterday, I've come to terms with being a gunner and will proudly accept the title with a few stipulations.

Yesterday, my histology group gave a presentation and most people in our class have been talking about how we are all gunners. They said that our presentation was one of the best given and that we were able to answer all of the questions asked with relatively few problems. I took pride in those statements. We all worked hard and we wanted to impress the doctor grading our presentation. All of our hard work paid off and the doctor said that we gave an excellent presentation.

If a gunner is about working hard, knowing the material, taking pride in your work, and doing well, then sign me up because I'm a gunner!

Letter to My Cadaver

Dear Dean,

I don't know what to say except for thank you. You have taught me so much about myself, anatomy, and the beauty of the human body. Also, you brought me and my five other labmates together. For all of this, I am eternally grateful that you would be so kind and willing to donate your body for my education.

I remember the first day that I met you. It was the first day of anatomy and it was a special moment for me, a moment I have looked forward to for many years. The excitement was high as I stood there in my scrubs and smock. Dr. Laitman was speaking to the class in the microphone, but I couldn’t pay attention. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally gave us permission to reveal your body. I looked down on your body. You were on your back and were pale, gray, and clammy. The stench of the preservatives wafted into my nostrils and filled the room. This was the first smell of the scent that I would come to hate. We prepared our tools as we waited for permission to start cutting into the skin on your back. The six of us each took turns cutting and removing the skin and fat from your back. As we removed the fat, we found your beautiful muscles. This was the first view of your stunning innards. We finished that day looking at most of the back muscles.

As the days and weeks progressed, we explored every inch of your body. We found and dissected your heart, lungs, liver, splanchnic nerves, brain, celiac trunk, Prince Saphenous the Great, tongue, kidneys with simple renal cysts, aorta, greater omentum, azygos vein, carina, your glorious GI tract, and so much more.

My favorite days that I spent with you were when we cut into your abdomen and discovered your GI tract. It was beautiful, yet challenging to work with and it pushed me to my limits. When we removed your rectus abdominis, it was magical to see your greater omentum. It was an apron of fat protecting your intestines from our view and mechanical damage. As we moved the omentum, your intestines were beautiful to behold. I loved holding your intestines in my hand, squishing the digested food, opening both the large and small intestines, and handling your haustra and epiploic appendages. But during the removal of your GI tract is when I almost threw up into you. We never found your appendix and the six of us agreed that you must have had it removed, even though we couldn't find a scar.

The days that we spent with you are special to me and I will cherish my memories from them. I will never forget you and all that you have taught me. Thank you again for letting me meet you and for letting me get to know you better than most of your friends and family.

Respectfully,
Sean

First Semester Done!

I successfully finished my first semester of medical school and graduate school (I realize that this is about a month late). The first semester was definitely a difficult one, but I pulled through with great grades in all of my classes. I am extremely happy with how the semester went and everything that I learned about science, healthcare, medicine, life, and myself.

These are some of the lessons that I learned:

1. I hate muscles and nerves
2. I can take breaks and not study as much as I do
3. I need to find more balance in my life or in other words, escape the library and have some fun
4. I'm in love the GI tract
5. Surgery doesn't interest me
6. Making best friends takes time, but once you make them, they'll always be around
7. Some people don't respect you unless you went to an Ivy League
8. Always make time for loved ones
9. NYC has some of the best food around
10. I like to stress bake and cook... Mmmm, pie!
11. Everyone isn't the same in medical school and we're actually all very different
12. Exercise is a must that needs to happen more often
13. I love teaching the more that I do it
14. Don't let people to bring you down
15. Be confident because I know more and have more ability than I think

That's about it. I'm hoping to blog more regularly. It's one of my goals. XOXO. S.

Hello!

*Ding dong*

Hello! My name is Elder Llewellyn, and I'd like to share with you the most amazing book! (From the opening song, but with my name place in it).

Back in May, I went to see The Book of Mormon. I'd like to say that I absolutely loved it! I know that a lot of people in the LDS community have said some awful things about it, but I'd like to say that they have inflated their opinions to extreme views. Also, I highly doubt many of the critics have seen the show.

There were some aspects that I didn't like of the show. They all were around the vulgarity of some of the characters and songs. I felt that some of the things said or sang could have had the poor language taken out. That being said, I can see why the language was in there. People do a lot of swearing and for some it is just a part of their vocabulary. So it seems to me that the writers were staying true to the "missionary" experience. I've never served a mission, but I'm sure that some people who missionaries try to visit have run into many people with colorful language.

Now, here is why I liked it and why I differ from most of the LDS critics. It's true that the writers poked fun at our quirkiness (they also poked fun of a lot of sensitive issues), but we do the same with movies like Singles Ward. The truth is that we make fun of ourselves in the same way as they were poking fun at us. I don't see anything wrong with this because I was taught growing up that we, Mormons, are queer folks that are different from the rest of the world. It's ok that we are different and it's ok to poke fun at our quirkiness. The writers were trying to portray Mormons as a unique group of people and they were able to accomplish this, but it wasn't in a demeaning fashion. I thought that they portrayed the LDS Church in an excellent light.

Many people have said that they do a bad portrayal of the Church, but I disagree. The writers showed that missionaries, while they may be innocent, are going out to places like Uganda to try to better the lives of and to give hope to many people. Throughout the musical, it shows the progression of how the missionaries are changing the lives of a town. The people are no longer dismal and angry; they transform into a people full of hope of a better life and they are striving to better their lives. Isn't that what missionary work is all about? I'd say that these missionaries did a wonderful job doing it.

Other critics have said that missionaries aren't as innocent as was portrayed in the musical. I'd like to say that they are. I'm sure when missionaries are going through the MTC that there is some education of the area, culture, and "trials" that people face, but learning about them is completely different than actually experiencing them, especially when you come from the homogeneous state known as Utah or Idaho and the surrounding states. When the missionaries arrived in Uganda, they were completely horrified at the situation--they couldn't believe what was going on. The missionaries that were already there had lost hope in spreading the Gospel and were waiting until their two years were over. Soon the newbies had experiences that caused them to question what they were doing there. Each situation caused one to lose more and more faith because he didn't realize that the world was unfair. He seemed to imagine the whole world to be like the US, specifically Orlando. It took him a long time to realize that the world is not all butterflies, unicorns, and rainbows. Eventually, his mission companion helped him realize that the world is not always fair and that they can actually change the lives of a whole town for the better.

Finally, a lot of people have said that they don't show the correct doctrine. While this is partially true, most of what they say is true. The writers had to change a few doctrines so that people of other beliefs could relate and understand; however, these changes were not so far away from the actual doctrine. Imagine trying to teach someone who has no knowledge about the Church everything in a couple hours. Can you do that? Of course you can't. That is why they changed a few things to make it more "mainstream" Christianity.

Overall, I absolutely loved the play and I have bought the soundtrack. It always makes me smile. Also, I think that this musical and the current Mormon.org (I think) ads in NYC is giving the Church a lot of publicity, which could in turn cause more people to be interested in learning more about the Church.