5 Minute Life Check: August

I think… that I have found my true passion

I wonder… where my passion will lead me

I want… sleep

I dream… of meeting people in far off lands and how they would influence my life

I speak… in subpar medical jargon (need to get better)

I act… in ways that makes me doctorly

I honor… my patients by doing my best to treat them the way they deserve to be treated

I cry… for one of my patient's deaths

I see… doctors working hard every day to care for very sick patients

I feel… like medicine is where I'm meant to be

I manage… to remember facts that I learned over 4 years ago

I support… my team and do my best to help them

I seek… a greater knowledge about medicine

I find… it hard to stay awake at times

I teach… residents about things that I read/learned

I learn… about kidneys and renal disease

I am… in love with my life and people in my life

I am… exhausted every single day

I love… what I am doing

5 Minute Life Check: July

I think… that I care too much about stupid, unimportant things

I wonder… if someone special is pulling away from me

I want… to do well on my neurology clerkship

I dream… of a simple, yet fulling life

I speak… with confidence when I don't know what's going on

I act… in ways to be part of a good, strong medical team

I honor… my patients by making sure they are taken care of and that their little needs are met

I cry… because I lost something beautiful with another person and I'm not sure if it will ever go back

I see… how happy being in clinic makes me

I feel… completely exhausted by clinic and studying

I manage… to survive each day and the challenges it brings

I support… my patients and try to answer their questions

I seek… to understand how to best care for patients

I find… ways to still have fun and relax

I teach… my residents and interns about things that I know nothing about, but looked up

I learn… to impress the people who are grading me

I am… becoming a doctor

I miss… the person I was with in SF and the relationship we had before/during that time

I love… what I do

5 Minute Life Check: May

I think… that I'm ready for my thesis defense

I wonder… how difficult the defense will be

I want… to be free!

I dream… of traveling the world and eating all the delicious food

I speak… about the final experiments that I'm doing

I act… in ways for me to be more open to others

I honor… myself by focusing on what I need

I cry… for the state of our country

I see… such vibrant beauty in life and nature

I feel… like a lot of good is occurring in my life

I manage… to survive clinical refresher

I support… my roommates as they are finishing up and graduating

I seek… a deeper connection with my best friends

I find… myself in love

I teach… others experiments to aid their research

I learn… that I am sometimes really good at medicine and others times I am really bad at it

I am… ready to move on to the next phase of my life

I hope… that I will be ready (skills-wise) to return to the clinic in less than 2 months!

I love… my life.

Polyamory

I have found myself in an interesting predicament that I thought that I would never consider or be ok with. I think that I'm potentially entering a polyamorous relationship. Polyamory is basically the practice of forming close, intimate relationships with more than one partner with the knowledge and consent of all the partners. It's slightly different than polygamy, but similar. It looks like I'm heading back to my Mormon roots!

A couple months ago, I met a man who has a long-term, serious relationship with his boyfriend. At first meeting, I found him very attractive, but knew he had a boyfriend and left it at that. We chatted a lot at our first meeting and found out that we have a lot in common. We exchanged number and decided to hang out more often. We started texting every day and quickly hit it off. We talk about serious and silly things all the time and have connected on a fairly deep level. He and I have gone out a couple times and they feel like dates. We both remark how crazy it is how much we have in common and how close we have become. Recently, it has started to get intimate, where the last two times we have kissed at the end of our hang out/date. He has also been a huge support to me with everything that has been going on. 

That's where we stand now. We haven't talked about what we are. At first, I was thinking it was a potential friends with benefits situation, but the connection is much deeper than that and it doesn't feel superficial. We haven't really even talked about his boyfriend and what is kosher in their relationship. But from what I have gathered from friends, their relationship is at least partially open, but I'm not sure of the level and if they are actually polyamorous or not. I've decided not to broach the topic because I like what we have and I feel like it is good--I don't want to ruin it. If there is there is a problem or if we are crossing a line, I'm sure that this guy would bring it up and tell me that it is beyond the boundaries he and his boyfriend have set. Most importantly throughout this time, I have felt loved and supported, and I don't feel like the other man/mister.

I never saw myself ever being in this situation--sharing someone who I'm developing a strong connection with someone else. I thought that I would be jealous, but I'm not. I'm perfectly fine with everything and where it currently stands. I want to see how this all pans out.

The formation of this "relationship" could be a product of the circumstances I'm in:

• I still don't want to date anyone seriously after JP or attempt to date or enter a relationship. I'm not ready to emotionally invest in another relationship and watch it fall apart again. 
• I thought that I was not fully over JP, but have realized that I am and just wanted someone to connect with through the cancer with my mother because I've felt alone. 
• I've got a lot on my plate with finishing my PhD, preparing for my return to medical school, and helping out my family with my mom. It's just not a good time to even try to start a relationship, even if I was ready. 
• I have thought a lot about me being a lone wolf. I am happy and content being alone. I love to do a lot of things alone because it allows me to do my own things on my own time. There is no pressure of another person. 
• I still see myself raising a family on my own without a husband, if I do not find anyone.
• I recognize that in two years I will most likely be moving west and starting a relationship with someone anchored in NYC or somewhere in the east is less than ideal for me and my goals.

Anyway, I'm very happy with my life right now. This potential polyamorous relationship is just icing on the cake. When I'm ready, I will start going on dates again and be fully honest with this guy. We will see what the future holds for me.

5 Minute Life Check: March

I think… that I'm falling for someone

I wonder… if I'll ever finish my paper

I want… to be less stressed and exhausted

I dream… that my mom will make it through her cancer

I speak… in order to be heard

I act… in a way that will not bring others down

I honor… my future patients by fighting for their rights

I cry… in gratitude because I'm lucky to have a good life

I see… people suffering and wish there was more that the country and I could do

I feel… no pressure to start dating or begin a seriously relationship

I manage… to keep up on my work with coming home every couple of weeks

I support… my family, especially my mother, and am a caregiver to them all

I seek… greater understanding of life and it's mysteries

I find… it difficult to concentrate because of burnout

I teach… my brother how to cook basic meals for my mom

I learn… that I can't do everything and that nothing will be perfect

I am… content

I try… to cut down any rude or demeaning remarks and replace them instead with love and praise

I love… the mountains